The Memory is so vivid in my mind and it comes full force today showing me again and again what could have been. That night I thought might be the last.
It was cold that winter day from hell.
I watched you stumble to the apartment doors, tripping over the snowbanks piled high along the street side. I tried to take it all in, although not a memory a mother wants to remember, thinking that I may never see you again. The lankiness of your swagger, a confidence almost arrogant. I cried alone in my car as the doors closed behind you.
I remembered your smile and way your eyes spoke to me with just a glance. A fierce, strong leader in your own right but misunderstood, except for by me. So independent but so alone. Memories flooding my minds eye, desperately trying to solidify each one in stone as not to forget a single moment of your life thus far. My heart ripped wide open with helplessness and fear.
It would be days before I would see you again. Long torturous days of fear and deep sadness. Wondering, worrying, and asking myself WHY? Days of beating myself up for not being the perfect mother and loathing myself for things I could have possibly done differently.
I know now that there was nothing I could have done or changed.
These memories find me today, in hearing of your good friend, who has died from a drug overdose. I remember him well. Jam sessions and crazy conversations of a wide and wondrous world to be conquered and dreams larger than life itself.
My heart is mourning for you today and for the Mother that could have been me.